In my coaching practice most of the clients who come to me is because they have suffered some career setbacks and are trying to regain their momentum, for which they need my help. One of the questions I ask my clients when they first see me (and even before, through a detailed Client Intake Questionnaire) is the source of their woes. Although, not all clients come to me with their woes, most do. Others work with me to proactively manage their career and to learn what to do and what to avoid succeeding in their careers and their lives.
My experience has been that nearly 80%-plus career woes stem from soured personal relationships. These relationships include their colleagues, boss, and others, including their direct reports, who matter in keeping their career on track. Since the pool of clients needing relationships help is so high I decided to address this issue head-on to help even those who do not go looking for help in this area, but who may need a reminder that relationship management is at the heart of any serious human endeavor, especially managing your career and your life. So, the content of this blog can help even those who currently do not have a relationship problem, but who can still benefit by becoming aware of the what relationship strategies and tips provide you the advantage you need to creating success in your life, not just in your career!
How to Win Friends and Influence People
Dale Carnegies 1936 classic, How to Win Friends & Influence People is one of the best selling books of all times. It is still a top seller on the Amazon list and is offered today in various formats with some revised content for todays digital age. The basic message, however, has not changed because it is rooted in the primordial human needs of social interactions and a respectful treatment in any human interaction. Here are some key takeaways from this classic book. A shorter version of this list recently appeared in Quora in response (by Howie Reith) to a question. I have expanded that response to include my perspective on what the author (Dale Carnegie) may have said in todays context, coupled with what works with my clients.
Becoming Likeable
1.Don’t criticize, condemn, or complain. If you must do any of these, first get the person to respect and to like you.
2.Give honest, sincere appreciation. Always wait to give feedback.
3.Arouse in the other person an eager want.
4.Become genuinely interested in other people. Remember something trivial about them and bring it up; if that is difficult bring up something big (birthday!). See # 12 below.
5.Remember something about the other person and give a small gift as a token of that memory.
6.Smile. Keep on smiling as you talk to them. Let your whole body radiate that joy when you are talking to others.
7.Remember that a person’s name to them the most important sound in any language. Keep inserting their name in a conversation.
8.Be a good listener. Encourage others to talk about themselves. Ask about something that they do that youd like to do (how do you get up so early?).
9.Talk in terms of the other person’s interest. Wait until they ask about yours.
10.Make the other person feel important – and do so sincerely.
11.The only way to get the best of an argument is to avoid it. If you have the facts and other person merely has their opinion, back off by saying, Let me check my facts.
12.Remember something about them that is important (birthday, significant event, or something they did and ask questions about it)
13.Do not engage in idle gossip; if they ask about others avoid negative language.
14.Do not make snarky comments about others.
15.Do not put others down, even when they deserve it.
16.Build trust by under-promising and over delivering. Always meet your commitments.
17.If you cannot meet those commitments ask for more time in advance, not after they are due.
18.Compare what they said or did to someone they admire. Plato said something very similar to what you just said long time back.
Winning People Over
19.Show respect for the other person’s opinions. Never say, “You’re wrong.” If you have facts on your side, politely say, Let me double-check what I know. See # 11 above.
20.If you are wrong, admit it quickly and emphatically. Thank them for making you realize you were wrong.
21.Learn how to offer an apology. This is an art. Say sorry in various ways and be specific about what you did that was so wrong (even when it was not all that wrong). There is no statute of limitation for offering an apology.
22.Also, learn how to thank people properly. Saying mere thanks is not as impactful as being specific in how what they did helped you and what was so special about the way they helped you. Learn how to do this even with professionals when you pay them for their services.
23.Begin in a friendly way; try to stay that way.
24.Even in a strongly adversarial interaction begin with the points of agreement.
25.Get the other person saying, “Yes, yes” immediately.
26.When you disagree with the other person and cannot see a way to reconcile, bring into the discussion a third party that matters to you both: e.g., If we continue on this path we are going to lose important customers.
27.Let the other person do a great deal of the talking. Extraverts and talkers, Watch out!
28.Let the other person feel that the idea is theirs.
29.Try using the exact words they use when making a point and build on it with your spin.
30.Try honestly to see things from the other person’s point of view.
31.Be sympathetic with the other person’s ideas and desires. Never belittle them.
32.Appeal to the nobler motives (see # 26, above).
33.Dramatize your ideas with examples and metaphors
34.When engaged with a person, do not look at others; keep your focus on that person until the conversation ends. This is difficult for most people in a crowded gathering.
35.In a crowded room (e.g., cocktail party) do not get into a long argument with anyone. In such parties if you feel that you are already under the influence, do not get into ANY arguments. Take these arguments off-line. If the other person is sober he may not forget what you said in that condition.
36.If a person is important to you send a note or email after your first meeting and find ways to stay in their network.
37.When in conversation with another person synch-up your words with the tone and your body language. This is a hallmark of an authentic conversation.
38.Do not look to others to make you a happy person; only you can do that. Remember, too, that happiness is contagious; make others happy with your presence.
To Lead Others
39.Present your challenge in such a way that inspires others to rise to that challenge.
40.Begin with praise and honest appreciation.
41.Call attention to people’s mistakes indirectly. Do not keep repeating once they get it.
42.Some people are not good at expressing themselves verbally. Watch their body language and learn how to read it and call them on it, especially if they are talking or speaking.
43.Talk about your own mistakes before criticizing the other person.
44.Ask questions instead of giving direct orders. If you are not sure because of their puzzled look at the end of your conversation with them ask them to send a summary of what actions they will take after your conversation.
45.Let the other person save face.
46.Praise the slightest and every improvement. Be “lavish in your praise.”
47.Give the other person a fine reputation to live up to. Let the other person rise to the challenge and surprise themselves.
48.Use encouragement. Make the fault seem easy to correct.
49.Make the other person happy about doing the thing you suggest.
50.When someone achieves a noteworthy goal send out a written acknowledgement to everyone in their work group and others as appropriate. This has much greater impact than giving them a cash bonus.
51.Delete this line.
The above tips may sound trivial, commonsensical, and even repetitive. Try incorporating them in your everyday interactions and see their true power in how they change your life!
Good luck!
| About Author | |
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Dilip has distinguished himself as LinkedIn’s #1 career coach from among a global pool of over 1,000 peers ever since LinkedIn started ranking them professionally (LinkedIn selected 23 categories of professionals for this ranking and published this ranking from 2006 until 2012). Having worked with over 6,000 clients from all walks of professions and having worked with nearly the entire spectrum of age groups—from high-school graduates about to enter college to those in their 70s, not knowing what to do with their retirement—Dilip has developed a unique approach to bringing meaning to their professional and personal lives. Dilip’s professional success lies in his ability to codify what he has learned in his own varied life (he has changed careers four times and is currently in his fifth) and from those of his clients, and to apply the essence of that learning to each coaching situation. After getting his B.Tech. (Honors) from IIT-Bombay and Master’s in electrical engineering(MSEE) from Stanford University, Dilip worked at various organizations, starting as an individual contributor and then progressing to head an engineering organization of a division of a high-tech company, with $2B in sales, in California’s Silicon Valley. His current interest in coaching resulted from his career experiences spanning nearly four decades, at four very diverse organizations–and industries, including a major conglomerate in India, and from what it takes to re-invent oneself time and again, especially after a lay-off and with constraints that are beyond your control. During the 45-plus years since his graduation, Dilip has reinvented himself time and again to explore new career horizons. When he left the corporate world, as head of engineering of a technology company, he started his own technology consulting business, helping high-tech and biotech companies streamline their product development processes. Dilip’s third career was working as a marketing consultant helping Fortune-500 companies dramatically improve their sales, based on a novel concept. It is during this work that Dilip realized that the greatest challenge most corporations face is available leadership resources and effectiveness; too many followers looking up to rudderless leadership. Dilip then decided to work with corporations helping them understand the leadership process and how to increase leadership effectiveness at every level. Soon afterwards, when the job-market tanked in Silicon Valley in 2001, Dilip changed his career track yet again and decided to work initially with many high-tech refugees, who wanted expert guidance in their reinvention and reemployment. Quickly, Dilip expanded his practice to help professionals from all walks of life. Now in his fifth career, Dilip works with professionals in the Silicon Valley and around the world helping with reinvention to get their dream jobs or vocations. As a career counselor and life coach, Dilip’s focus has been career transitions for professionals at all levels and engaging them in a purposeful pursuit. Working with them, he has developed many groundbreaking approaches to career transition that are now published in five books, his weekly blogs, and hundreds of articles. He has worked with those looking for a change in their careers–re-invention–and jobs at levels ranging from CEOs to hospital orderlies. He has developed numerous seminars and workshops to complement his individual coaching for helping others with making career and life transitions. Dilip’s central theme in his practice is to help clients discover their latent genius and then build a value proposition around it to articulate a strong verbal brand. Throughout this journey, Dilip has come up with many groundbreaking practices such as an Inductive Résumé and the Genius Extraction Tool. Dilip owns two patents, has two publications in the Harvard Business Review and has led a CEO roundtable for Chief Executive on Customer Loyalty. Both Amazon and B&N list numerous reviews on his five books. Dilip is also listed in Who’s Who, has appeared several times on CNN Headline News/Comcast Local Edition, as well as in the San Francisco Chronicle in its career columns. Dilip is a contributing writer to several publications. Dilip is a sought-after speaker at public and private forums on jobs, careers, leadership challenges, and how to be an effective leader. |
Website: http://dilipsaraf.com/?p=2537
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